Super Smash Escape From Debt Through Ridiculous Competitions
by Hoogiman
Summary: Super Smash Bros has been shut down forever, and Kirby and Link are in millions of dollars in debt! To get out, they must enter in bizarre contests and schemes to appease their creditors! Will they succeed, or will they end up in prison? YOU'LL HAVE TO READ TO FIND OUT!1
1. Chapter 1

**Super Smash Brothers HQ:  
11:23 am**

Master Hand calmly sipped a coffee in his office, as Kirby and Link furiously circled the room.

Link walked up to Master Hand's desk, and slammed his fists on the table. "What do you you mean Super Smash Brothers is being **SHUT DOWN?!** " he screamed.

Link continued to circle the office with Kirby.

"We got shut down by the EPA, the FBI, the Humane Society, …heck, the United Nations!" said Master Hand, "It's not safe anymore! It's not legal! We can't get animals to fight children, and children to fight grown men with swords and guns!"

Kirby jumped up on the desk, grabbed a pencil and snapped it in half.

"Hey!" said Master Hand, "…I liked that pencil!"

"I don't care! I'm filled with rage!" said Kirby, taking Master Hand's tissues and throwing them everywhere. "You can't put us out on the street with no jobs, we are born **warriors!** "

"Yeah!" said Link, raising his sword.

"…well too bad! We can't run the tournament anymore! And you **both** have millions, and millions of dollars to spend on whatever you like!" said Master Hand.

"We lost it all!" cried Kirby and Link in unison, hugging each other.

"Well it's not my problem!" said Master Hand angrily, "I'm going on a permanent vacation to Delfino Plaza, while you two will probably have to go on the motivational speaking circuit to make money!"

"I don't WANNA be a role model!" yelled Kirby, hurling a paperclip across the room.

"Yeah! People who need role models are losers!" said Link, taking a mint from a bowl on Master Hand's desk and eating it.

Kirby gasped.

Master Hand turned red.

Kirby gasped again, for dramatic effect.

"THOSE MINTS ARE SACRED!" screamed Master Hand, showing a rare display of emotion. Well rare, if you ignore all those times he angrily tries to kill all of the Smashers throughout the games. "That's the final straw! Get out of my office!"

Master Hand breathed loudly in a deeply disturbed way.

"…so…" said Kirby, "…because Link got a mint… do I get a mint-"

"OUT!" screamed Master Hand.

Kirby and Link scurried out of the office.

Master Hand sobbed, leaning over the bowl of mints. "Crazy Hand! When you died, instead of being cremated, you requested to be turned into a bowl of mints! …and NOW YOU'RE BEING EATEN!" Master Hand took a mint and ate it, "DELICIOUS MINTS!" Master Hand sobbed and enjoyed the sugary taste, while sobbing uncontrollably.

 **Outside Super Smash Brothers HQ:  
11:27 am**

Kirby and Link sat in the carpark, dejected.

"So we have no money, no jobs," said Kirby, sitting on the ground.

"We're in millions, and millions of dollars of debt," sulked Link.

"And we have no way to pay for it," said Kirby, a car honking at him because he was blocking the exit to the car park.

"What do we do about it?" said Link, a car honking at him because he too was blocking the exit to the car park.

 _"Guys…" said Wolf angrily, sitting in the car, honking at the two friends._

"…maybe we try other sports?!" said Kirby.

 _"GUYS!" said Wolf angrily, honking his horn repeatedly._

"Yeah! Actually, I know of a basketball tournament we could enter!" said Link, "The winner gets a million dollars! All we have to do is throw a team together!"

 _"MOVE DAMNIT DW(UNIUSANIEFJ WEO" screamed Wolf._

"Brilliant idea! I'm feeling better already!" said Kirby.

 _"GET OUT OF THE WAY!" screamed an irate Wolf, "I NEED TO GO HOME TO WATCH CRIMINAL MINDS!"_

"Shut up, Wolf!" screamed Link angrily, "Since you got kicked out of the series, the only reason people acknowledge your existence is because you clean our expensive cars for three dollars an hour!"

 _"IT'S TRUE!" cried Wolf, driving a ninth-hand Prius._

* * *

"Next time on Super Smash "We need mo' money" Brothers Jubilee…" narrated Kirby.

"Kirby loses it!" said Link.

 _"I'M REALLY MAD THIS TIME, MASTER HAND!" screamed Kirby, using Master Hand's public wi-fi without politely asking first._

 _"MONSTER!" screamed Master Hand._

"And Link finds out a shocking fact about Zelda!" said Kirby.

 _"You and Pit are a thing?!" said an outraged Link._

 _"…me, Pit, and Zelda," said Pac Man, putting his arms around the two._

"…are these scenes actually real?!" screamed Link dramatically.

"They're not!" whispered Kirby.

"Way to ruin the suspense!" said Link, annoyed.

"…oh, I mean uh, uh, uh, uh," said Kirby. "uh, uh, uh, uh, uh…"

THE END

* * *

Hi, I'm back. Review! If you like pizza / other sugary food here.


	2. Chapter 2

**In A Limousine:  
11:32 am**

"I just don't understand how we've both earned 400 million dollars through Super Smash Brothers, but we're still in debt!" said Link, sipping champagne. In his limo.

"Yeah!" said Kirby, snacking on a bunch of Rolexes, "I mean, _sure,_ we went on a spending spree when we first signed, but after that we've been nothing but **careful** with our money!"

Link blew his nose on a 50 dollar bill. "Yeah! I am like the stingiest Smasher!" he said, ordering an _Indominus Rex_ for his dinosaur theme park island. "I only make wise business decisions!"

"So what's our debt looking like?" said Kirby, scribbling on the margins of a Van Gogh original.

"Well according my calculations," said Link, holding up a diamond calculator, "We need to earn two million dollars in the next week or we lose everything!"

"Rats! Can't we sell some of our stuff?" said Kirby, lighting the painting on fire out of boredom.

"We could, but there's no guarantee we'd be able to raise enough cash in time," said Link, customising leg room for his upcoming space flight, "The only way to make this payment is to find some quick cash!"

"Dang," said Kirby, pouring Roman-era red wine on the flames to keep them going, "Well, at least we have a chance to avoid bankruptcy… and not have to be like Wolf!"

 _"I CAN HEAR YOU… BECAUSE I'M YOUR LIMO DRIVER!" said Wolf angrily, at the steering wheel._

"Shut up, Wolf!" said Link angrily, "Limo drivers are supposed to be jolly and courteous!"

 _"I wish I had those qualities!" cried Wolf._

They drove along for a couple of seconds.

 _"You know, maybe you guys going bankrupt might be a good thing!" said Wolf, a glimmer of hope in his eyes, "…then maybe we can hang out and we can do fun stuff like-"_

Kirby pressed the button that puts a screen between the driver and the passengers.

 **In A Gym  
2:32 pm**

Link sat alone in the bleachers of a high school gym. The lights shut off, and colourful spotlights emerged and danced around the court.

"I present to you…" said Kirby through a megaphone, 'Space Jam' music playing in the background, "The future champions of the 'Washed Up Celebrities Invitational Basketball Tournament'… Team Smash!"

A fake applause sound played. "He's like Kirby, but more self-referential and has a sword… he's Meta Knight!" shouted Kirby.

Meta Knight emerged, flailing his sword everywhere. "I'm still good at this!" he nervously declared, while clumsily hacking his sword through the air.

"She's going to 'roll out' a victory for us… it's Jigglypuff!" said an excited Kirby through the microphone.

Jigglypuff ran out on the court, trying to grip a basketball, but falling over and tripping every time she grabbed it.

"He's fast… He's cute… He's Pikachu!" announced Kirby.

Pikachu ran on the court, sprinting and pushing a ball around. Because he was too small to hold it.

"Wait! Wait! Wait!" screamed Link angrily. The record player screeched to a halt, and the lights quickly flicked on. "…everyone on our basketball team so far is **incredibly** short! Is everyone else we're playing with _your_ height?"

"Well, uh… out of our remaining players, uh… there's some pretty tall people…" said Kirby.

Sonic, Squirtle and Olimar shuffled nervously.

"Okay! They're all short!" said Kirby, "But everyone kindly volunteered to help us get out of debt!"

"Yeah!" said Jigglypuff excitedly, "We weren't stupid with our money so we wanted to help you morons out!"

"Very bold words from someone who can't read past a first grade level," said Kirby angrily.

Jigglypuff deeply studied the first page of her copy of the famous novella, ' _Hop On Pop_ '.

"But they're here to help! So let's try and use everyone's athleticism and try and win this tournament!" said Kirby.

"Okay!" said Link excitedly, "So maybe with a few dedicated practices we'll be able to develop the skills-"

"The tournament starts in five minutes!" said some random guy with a clipboard.

"WHAT?!" screamed Link, dressed in a tunic that wasn't suitable attire for basketball.

 **Mushroom Kingdom Basketball Stadium**

 **Game 1:  
2:45 pm**

"Okay," said Kirby to the team huddle, "16 teams, a standard elimination bracket. First team to five points wins the round. We win, we're in, we lose, we're out!"

"Wait… we win… we're what?!" screamed Jigglypuff, scribbling notes furiously on Olimar's helmet, "This is so complex!"

"So who here knows how to play basketball?" said Link.

Everyone stared blankly at Link.

"…you know… the game where you put the ball in the basket?" said Link.

Everyone stared blankly at Link.

"Does anyone know what **_this_** _is?_ " said Link, holding up a basketball.

Everyone stared blankly at Link.

"…great…" muttered Link.

 **Round 1  
Team Smash vs Team Rocket**

"On one side of the court…" said an announcer, "…it's Teeeeaaaam Smash!"

The crowd cheered. Kirby, Link, Meta Knight, Sonic, Olimar, Jigglypuff, Pikachu, and Squirtle waved to the roaring crowd.

"I wonder who our opponent is!" said Jigglypuff to Kirby.

"On the other side…" said the announcer, the crowd starting to boo, "You know 'em from their Pokemon-catching escapades… it's Team Rocket!"

A hard-wired, instinctual rage filled Jigglypuff, Pikachu, and Squirtle. They ran straight towards the Team Rocket players, tackling them to the ground, and started to beat them. The crowd roared.

"Capture them with our Pokeballs!" screamed Butch, being electrocuted horrifically.

"We don't have any Pokeballs!" screamed Jessie, being slapped multiple times, "We thought we were playing a friendly game of basketball!"

"Mmmmfff!" screamed James, drowning.

"You're all ejected!" screamed the referee, kicking out every brawling player.

The referee threw the ball up, starting the game. The ball landed. Kirby, Link, and Meowth, were the only ones left on the court.

Kirby hurled the basketball at Meowth's face, knocking him out.

"Uh… Team Rocket has no players left on the court…" said the referee, "Team Smash Advances!"

 **Team Smash Advances (by default)**

"Yay!" celebrated the team.

 **Team Meeting:  
3:45 pm **

"Okay guys," said Kirby to the huddle, "Good work last match! We really showed them who's who on the court!"

"Yeah!" screamed the rest of the team except Link.

"I want more blood!" said Pikachu evilly, holding up a samurai sword.

"Uh… about that…" said Link, "We can't fight anymore, or we'll get ejected from the tournament. So no weapons!"

Everyone (including the crowd and Kirby) booed.

"So are we clear on the no fighting policy?" said Link.

Most of the team nodded.

"I HAVE A ROCKET LAUNCHER!" screamed Jigglypuff evilly.

"No weapons!" said Link, confiscating Jigglypuff and Pikachu's weapons, "It's a basketball tournament! We shoot hoops and win!"

"So I can't use this?" said Squirtle, holding up a live grenade.

"NO!" screamed everyone in unison.

"Ooh, if I pull this, do I get a prize?" said Jigglypuff, touching the pin of the grenade.

"NO NO NO NO" screamed everyone in unison, pushing Jigglypuff away from the grenade.

 **Final Round 1 Match: Team Koopa vs Team Waddle Dee  
3:57 pm**

Sonic and Olimar sat together in the stands, scouting their potential future opponents.

"This is the looongest match ever," groaned Olimar, smooshing a sub sandwich from the food court against the front of his helmet.

Sonic ate his half of the sandwich, completely engrossed in the game. "Yeah!" he said.

"They've been missing shots and falling over for the last twenty minutes… but I wouldn't have predicted much more from possibly the two lamest groups of villains ever…" said a restless Olimar, slouching further down into his chair.

"Yeah!" said Sonic excitedly.

"…okay, so I've got a question… what are we even doing here?" said Olimar, "I mean, we haven't even spoken a word to anyone else on the basketball team… a team that hasn't played a single second of basketball yet! All we've done so far is participate in a huge brawl!"

Sonic slurped his soda and shoved an oversized handful of curly fries into his obnoxiously smiley mouth.

Olimar paused. "And it got me thinking… It's like… as Smashers… our instincts are to fight and hurt others! It's almost sad to contemplate the possibility that we may never break that habit of violence, even though we're 'retired' now! And now I'm wondering if all of those years spent fighting, hurting other people, and accumulating millions was the most damaging thing we could have done to ourselves?"

Olimar, in a moment of great philosophical contemplation turned to Sonic. "What do you think, Sonic?"

"I dunno!" said Sonic excitedly, "I like to run fast and stuff!" Sonic quickly grabbed his soda and started downing it, hitting bottom, making an irritating slurping sound.

Olimar swiftly shoved Sonic over a ledge, cracking his head.

* * *

"Next time on Kirby, Link, Sonic, PacMan and Pals…" said Sonic, "…Link finds true love!"

 _"Yoo hoo!" said King Dedede, wearing a bikini._

 _"Zelda!" said Link, lovestruck._

 _"IT'S A TRAAAP" screamed Kirby._

"…will Marth get his face back?!" said PacMan.

 _"AUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEGGGHHHHH" said Marth, without a face._

"…and will this story make any more sense?!" said Kirby.

 _"Die Kirby!" screamed Link, punching himself repeatedly._

"…hint… it won't!" whispered Kirby.

* * *

Deleted Scene:

"No weapons!" said Link, confiscating Jigglypuff and Pikachu's weapons, "It's a basketball tournament! We shoot hoops and win!"

"So I can't use this?" said Squirtle, holding up a tank.

"Wait how are you even holding up a tank?!" said Link. "And how did you even fit a tank into-"

"Because I'm a tank!" said Squirtle, flexing his muscles.

Everyone chuckled heartily. Kirby played a canned laughter sound over the loudspeaker.

"…okay…" said Link, confused, "…but we haven't even began to address-"

"JUST LET ME END THE SCENE ON A HIGH" interrupted Squirtle, frothing from the mouth.

* * *

Thanks for reading. My policy is very improv-like. No scene gets left behind. Every idea gets fully explored, good or bad. I hope you've enjoyed the chaos.

Review, and review especially if you read to the end and your computer is now printing out demonic messages. Seriously, I need help. Send help! My address is 12Den-mwahahahaha-


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